So hopefully you'll forgive me for posting it here instead.
*****
"But, why a sex doll?" General Higgins asked
the engineer, as they entered the factory floor.
Above them, the half-completed robot hung, looking
more like some nightmare from a Hieronymus Bosch painting than the weapon that
would hopefully save mankind.
"I already told you, we needed a human-like robot
to be sure the pilot could operate it. If we used some tank-track thing, the
pilot would never have been able to achieve the sort of mobility and speed
required to put up a useful fight."
Higgins sighed, as she finished. He really hated
engineers. "I know all that -- but why use a fucking sex doll as the
model, is my question?"
She shrugged.
"Oh... well, that's quite simple really. We
didn't have time to design a new shell from scratch, making a life-like robot
that moves like a human body takes years to develop and the timing circuits are
a nightmare to figure out."
She gestured at the huge creation above them.
"So, rather than create something new, we grabbed
a working robot model that already existed and just scaled it up to the
required size. And it just so happens that sex dolls are the only efficient human-like
designs that exist at present. Or, at least, the only one's we could use
without a major redesign."
Higgins sighed, and hoped the giant robot would be
worth the hassle in the end. The aliens were sending new monsters down from
their landing base on the moon every few weeks now. The military was
overwhelmed, and the last attack had flattened Chicago before they had finally
killed the giant alien.
"Plus, besides not having the right degree of
mobility, existing military robots also don't have much spare room inside. The
robots are packed full with internal sensory equipment, but since sex dolls
don't need radar and satellite phone hookups, we've got plenty of room for fuel
reserves and battery packs. Not to mention all the handy storage slots for
missile launch tubes."
So saying, a massive missile slid by above them on the
factory's ceiling cranes, headed for its new magazine inside the giant robot.
Higgins flinched as the rocket slid inside.
He didn't even want to think of what it would look
like when it was fired.
"But the real bonus is the external tactile
sensory grid in the sex doll's skin," she continued. "Once on board and installed into the doll's artificial nervous system, the pilot will have full
sensational awareness, including hot and cold, pinpoint pressure; heck, the pilot could
read braille if it was printed out at the right scale."
She smiled, proudly looking up at her work. "And best of all, there's plenty of room inside the doll's head to put the pilot's brain
and accompanying life support system. You'd never get that with a military
robot design. The pilot will have real-time feedback being that close to the robot's eye-cameras and auditory sensors."
The old general nodded. That at least made sense, of a
sort. He sighed, pulling out a cigar and lighting it.
Taking a long draw, he closed the lighter and blew out a ring of smoke, as he gazed up at the massive mechanical savior of the human race.
"I just wish we'd found a female pilot for the
thing. Captain Peters is going to get one of hell of a shock when he wakes up
from that coma."
*****
And, a little super-short and super-silly bonus caption:
Captain Richard "Slick" Peters sighed as the fuel tankers
finally drove away from his high-heeled feet. For the hundredth time, he wished the engineers
hadn't decided his breasts were the ideal place to store his new napalm
reserves.
Though, he did have to admit, the flamethrower nipples had come in handy during the last few fights, and they were a
damn sight better than that idiot 'Jetbooster Asshole' idea that had been floated
around by the engineers.
He'd nearly broken a titanium-reinforced leg just testing the supposed jump-boost feature.
But still, he'd have preferred his new fuel tanks had come with a decent bra, at least. His robotic-back was already killing him just standing still, and his six-story heels weren't helping a bit.
*****
Whelp, hope you all enjoyed today's silly little captions. I'm working on some more transgender-themed stuff, probably later in the week, either a sequel to my 'Walking A New Beat' captions or something else, which ever I finish first.
- B-Rex
